


Subconscious decision

by melitta4ever



Series: Kinktober 2018 [24]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Bathing/Washing, Kinktober 2018, M/M, No Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 23:30:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16397168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melitta4ever/pseuds/melitta4ever
Summary: Coda to “Sunk cost fallacy.” Carisi finds himself seeking help from...an old friend.For Kinktober 2018, Day 24: Bath





	Subconscious decision

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's for Kinktober, but there's no porn here. Just feelings and angst.

 

When the car stopped in front of the high-rise in the middle of Manhattan, Sonny realized he had given the wrong address to the Lyft driver. The guy opened the door for him; conspicuously nice for a New Yorker especially at this time of night. Though, considering he had picked Sonny up from a crash site, all bloody; he might just be a decent human being.

“Thank you,” Sonny managed to push the words out, not sure it was audible.

“Do you need help to your apartment?” the driver asked. Sonny only then really saw him; such a young boy, a kid almost. Probably a student in one of the hundreds of colleges in the city, trying to earn a little cash on the side. Maybe he was from South, like Amanda, where people were nicer and more polite by instinct, unlike Amanda. He obviously hadn't been jaded yet as living in this bloody city long enough with its rude residents would definitely lead to.

He shook his head as an answer to the patiently waiting driver which answered the deliberation of whether or not finalizing this subconscious decision as his world tilted from its axis with that small gesture. The kid must have realized that Sonny was about to faceplant on the sidewalk; he saved him with a loud, “Whoa!” grasping his elbow.

“Come on, I'll walk you to your apartment.”

Sonny couldn't argue.

Luckily, Old Harry, the doorman, caught them halfway through.

“Mr Carisi, are you a’ight?” Apparently, Old Harry still remembered him; the compassion in his gray-blue eyes were as genuine as his charming Irish accent. 

  
  


Barba took a single look and pulled him inside the apartment, probably thanking the doorman too, not that Sonny could hear anything anymore thanks to the buzzing in his ears. He thought he explained he didn't need to go to a hospital, but Barba's frantic mood only dissolved when Sonny uttered the words “Not my blood.”

It wasn't his. None of it. It belonged to a woman. A mother who trusted the cops, trusted the law to keep her safe from a monster of a worse kind: A shapeshifting psychopath with a very convincing human disguise. “She's dead.” 

She was, but Sonny's ears were still ringing with her scream. All he could see had been the shattering glass; broken pieces flying, dark hair strands floating in the air as if they were in water. She must have been shattered too, before her screams had ended. She was broken when Sonny took her out of car. Dead. Still, her unseeing eyes were clearly blaming him, her breathless mouth was accusing. 

When he came to himself with a nudge from Barba, the tub was filled; full with bubbles like Sonny's momma had done for him all those years ago in a much stuffier bathroom. Sonny didn't even remember that he had gotten undressed; he wasn't sure if he had done it or Rafael for him. Rafael held his hand, helping him into the tub as if Sonny was a small kid, unsure of his own steps.

The hot water soothed him a little. Not seeing his body which was covered with white, puffy bubbles helped too.

Rafael suddenly appeared in his field of vision, hugging a plastic basin. Then, he started to wash Sonny. Gently squeezing a soft washcloth, he let hot water run through Sonny's face and neck.

Sonny closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the white cotton turning pink with dried blood. It was overwhelming enough to feel the water dripping down his chin like her blood, still carrying her warmth.

He heard Rafael changing the water in the basin, obviously too dirty now. He, then, restarted washing Sonny with careful touches. 

“Pouring some water,” Rafael warned, before doing just that.

Water momentarily closed Sonny's ears, sending him into a place where he could hear only his heartbeat. Then, strong fingers started massaging his scalp. The scent of the shampoo flooding him with memories; memories of lazy weekends, of Rafael's mumblings before his morning coffee, of the soft strands of hair between his fingers… A sob stuck into his throat; coming from far, all the way from his childhood maybe.

Rafael didn't comment on his crying. He methodically washed his hair, scrubbing behind his ears— ear actually; the one that had been facing her, the one that was covered in her blood. Rafael's dexterous hands moved down, scrubbing his neck and shoulders in soothing, circular motions. Then, pulling Sonny's hand out of the bath water, he started scrubbing his arms too. Sonny let himself be cleaned; not even like a child, but more like a ragdoll. He let Rafael turn his appendages this way or that as he wished.

 

When Rafael tapped him, the water was getting cold.

“Let's get you out,” he said, voice soft.

Sonny stood up, suddenly aware of his naked skin however much it's covered with suds.

“I…” he coughed to be able to speak, “I can do it, Raf—Rafael. Thank you.”

Rafael stood for a second as if he didn't trust Sonny with the shower wand, then nodded.

“I'm right outside,” He looked right at Sonny's eyes. “waiting.”

Like he had been for all this time, Sonny mused, waiting for Sonny to call, if nothing else to ask how Rafael had been after his resignation. Sonny hadn't. He had cut their relationship like it had never happened when Rafael pulled that plug. And now…

“Are you alright in there?” Rafael's voice came from the other side of the door. “The towels are right on the counter.”

Sonny looked at the water; running clear, probably for some time too. He shot off the water and covered himself with warmness of Rafael's thick, soft towels.

“Coming…” he announced before opening the door. 

Rafael was waiting right there. He moved to direct Sonny toward the guest bedroom, but Sonny stopped him. He held Rafael's face between his hands.

“Thank you.”

“Don't mention—”

Sonny kissed him before Rafael could finish his sentence, suddenly incredibly hungry for his kisses, his moans, his taste…

Rafael didn't respond for a quick second that scared Sonny; but it didn't take too long for him to melt into the kiss, surrendering the whole control to Sonny.

“I've missed you,” said Sonny when he had to let go to breathe.

Rafael shook his head.

“You're not in the—”

“Please don't,” Sonny stopped him. “Just let me, please,” he begged even though he knew too well that Rafael couldn't refuse him, not tonight.

Rafael gave a nod with a smile then, not a happy one. It would have hurt Sonny to see the heartache on that beautiful face if he wasn't already numb in the core right now. It should have hurt that Sonny was the cause of it.

He should also have refrained guiding Rafael into the master bedroom. 

He didn't.


End file.
